Taking it Day-by-Day

Post-Op Pic

In my last post, I described Gavin's recovery in the hospital.  That evening, he still wasn't breastfeeding, so I had to try and pump as often as I could, but my milk supply was already slowing down.  The following day, on the 17th, I continued to try to breastfeed, but Gavin was too sore to do it.  I spoke with my mom that morning and teared-up as I told her that I never realized how much I would miss breastfeeding.  I was afraid that he would never latch on again and I would miss out on that special bonding-time that we share while he nurses.  My mom told me not to worry, that he would latch on again in time.  She also told me that she was proud of herself because she had finally figured out how to be a follower of my blog and had left her first comment.  This is what she said:

Hey Kel,
Now that it's all done, I still find that I have overwhelming emotions. The grand parent roller coaster is just as scary and emotional as the parent one. I love Gav's new look, though for some reason he looks older now, but I miss his big smile and will forever treasure that adorable photo of him in the surgical hat, it's precious. I love you all more than you know. Mom/Gramma

That afternoon, Gavin finally latched on and I was so excited, I cried.  I tried to call my mom to tell her, but I just got her voicemail.  She never got to hear that he had latched on...

My dad called at that same moment and I told him excitedly that Gavin had was nursing.  He was happy for us but concerned that he couldn't get ahold of my mom, either.  Later that evening, my dad arrived at the house to let us know what had happened.  I've never been so out-of-control with my emotions.  When I saw his face, I already knew what he was going to say and I began sobbing uncontrollably, shaking, and yelling at the same time.  It was the worst news of my life...

After that, with Gavin still only two days into his recovery, I had a very hard time.  Matt really had to step up and be both mom and dad for Gavin since I spent a few days just sleeping.  I rarely got off the couch and only moved to pump milk, which I wasn't even doing as often as I should have.  I wasn't eating or drinking regularly either, so my milk supply was dropping quick.  I was barely staying ahead of Gavin's appetite.

One Day Post-Op

Two Days Post-Op

Thankfully, I have wonderful, supportive friends and family who helped me get back on track.  I was able to build up my milk supply and continue breastfeeding, which is what I know my mom would want me to do.  She always told me that Gavin comes first and I need to take care of his needs before anything else, and she was right.  Overall, Gavin was doing very well with his recovery.  His scar looked great.  The stitches, arm restraints, and nose plugs didn't seem to bother him too much.  We did take the restraints off for awhile each day while we sat next to him to allow him to stretch his arms.

Five Days Later - Healing Well

One Week Later

On his one week post-op appointment, the stitches were removed and the arm restraints no longer had to be on.  However, Gavin was not happy to be wrapped up like a burrito to have the stitches removed and he let Dr. Martin, his staff, and most of the other patients know it!  After that, he still had to have the nose plugs in for an additional week.

Not Happy to be "Burrito-Wrapped"

No More Arm Restraints!

That week, the nose plugs kept falling out.  They would only fall out of one nostril at a time, but then we would have to keep pushing them back in and Gavin would fuss almost every time.  I know it must have bothered him because it was stitched in through the septum by a single stitch.  So, when it would fall out on one side, it would pull on the stitch and become uncomfortable.  Needless to say, we were very relieved to have it removed.  However, he had to be wrapped up burrito-style once again and once again, it did not go over well.  He yelled all the way to the car!

Happy to be Nose-Plug Free!

Since then, we have been diligently applying bacitracin cream to his nostrils and upper lip four times daily, as directed by Dr. Martin.  He looks great and is healing beautifully.  The only problem we are having now is that he has been very fussy lately.  On the 4th of July, he screamed throughout most of the fireworks show, which I'm sure my neighbors loved.  The noise didn't seem to bother him, it was something else, but we couldn't figure it out.  He finally calmed down after I got him naked and nursed him.  I guess he likes to be naked while he eats.  Hey, whatever works!  Matt suggested that Gavin may be fussy due to the anxiety I have been feeling lately and I'm sure that has something to do with it.

I'm trying my best to relax and appreciate the joy in my life, but I am just so incredibly sad over the loss of my mom.  I feel as if I will never be that happy again.  She was my best friend and mentor.  I know I was too dependent on her, but she never seemed to mind.  I cried today when I remembered a few moments we shared about a month ago.  On one occasion, I went to my parents' house when I needed a break for awhile and my mom let Gavin and I nap on her bed.  I told her that I always felt so comfortable and safe at her house.  When I woke up, I was hungry, so she made me a tuna sandwich.  Then, she even put some extra tuna in a tupperware container for me to take home and make sandwiches with during the week because she knew that I wasn't eating properly since I was so busy with Gav.  She always took care of me, even at 27.  Another time, we were out shopping shortly before Gav's surgery day and he was in need of a clean diaper.  She told me that we would need to change him in the car, and--being a naive new mom--I said, "How??"  She laughed and told me she would do it.  She just laid him gently on the backseat and changed him quickly and efficiently.  When she stood up, she complained of back pain (from years of holding 55 foster babies and 4 children of her own).  I then felt guilty, thinking that I should have done it, but she said she didn't mind a little back pain when it came to Gavin.  She loved and cherished every minute with him.  Oh, how I wish he could know her love!  I could go on forever about how wonderful and amazing my mom was, so I will stop this post for now.

I'm hoping to become more regular with my posting again, since I take pictures of Gav almost daily and love to share his cute-ness with everyone!

Gavin's New Look

It has definitely been a very long and emotional two weeks. Let me begin by going back to the morning of Gav's surgery...

Since Gavin's check-in time was 6 a.m., we had wanted to leave the house at 5 a.m., to make sure we got there in plenty of time. I woke Gav up about 2 a.m. for his last feeding before surgery. Afterwards, he drifted back to sleep, happy for the late-night snack; while I laid there sobbing at the thought of what was to come. I ended up oversleeping until 5 a.m., so we quickly threw some stuff together and headed out. I had forgotten the camera at home, so his initial post-op pics were taken from my camera phone.

I sat in the back seat of the car with him on the ride up so I could hold the pacifier in his mouth, since he was a bit hungry. But despite his hunger, he was so good the whole morning! Once we got there and waited for Dr. Martin and his team to take Gavin back to the surgery room, he was all smiles. He cooed and talked the whole time, completely unaware of what was about to happen. I cried most of the time, but completely lost it when they came to take my sweet boy in for surgery. We took this picture of Gavin before they took him back, and it quickly became the cell-phone wallpaper for me and both grandmas.

He was expected to be in surgery for 2 hours, but he was in there for 4! I was so anxious the entire time. Thankfully, my mom, Matt, and his parents were there as well. When Matt and I finally got to go back and see him, I practically ran down the hall. Then, when I saw my sweet boy, I was overwhelmed with emotion. He was groggy and swollen, and he looked so different. We all agreed that he looked older, but we weren't quite sure why. Here is one of his first post-op pics:

We had been given a private recovery room so that I could breastfeed, but Gavin wasn't able to latch on, he just kept crying and it was breaking my heart. Since I hadn't fed him since 2 a.m. that day, my breasts were so engorged that I thought they would pop. (And thank you, Joy, for telling me to wear dark colors because of the blood. It also helped conceal the fact that my shirt was soaked with milk due to leakage!) I tried to self-express some milk into a bottle so we could feed him and wow, was it painful! But I managed to get some out, although he still wouldn't take the bottle. I began to get really nervous that he would get dehydrated again.

When the ambulance arrived, they strapped Gavin in his carseat on the gurney. It brought tears to my eyes to see my tiny little boy in his carseat being wheeled on a gurney through the hospital halls. Luckily, they allowed me to accompany him on his ambulance ride across the street to the main hospital. When we arrived at the hospital, we were transfered to a room. (If you call it that - it was more like a closet with curtains for walls!) They brought me a breast pump so I could finally relieve some pressure and we could try to feed Gav. He still refused the bottle, so we tried a medicine dropper, which wasn't going great, but at least we were able to get some milk into him. At one point, the nurse came in to fix his IV, since it was coming out and I had to hold his little arm while she did it. It was awful - I was sobbing my eyes out, Gav was crying, and both grandmas were crying. What an emotional family we are!

That night and the following morning were rough. Since Gav likes to sleep on his tummy, I just let him sleep on my chest while I laid on the chair. Matt went out and slept in the car since there was only room for one chair in our room (or, closet). Gavin was so lethargic most of the night and the following morning. But thankfully, he began taking a bottle that morning so we could discontinue using the medicine dropper. I made sure to bug the nurses about keeping up on his pain meds and antibiotics. His morning nurse laughed when she gave him his Tylenol with codeine, because she said she had never had a baby like his medication so much. That's our boy! He did so well during the whole ordeal, I was so proud of him.

That day, Matt went home to get some much-needed rest, so my mom came to the hospital to keep us company. She said she loved every minute with Gavin and was so excited that I had called and asked her to come down. We were released about 3:30 p.m., so my mom loaded up our stuff and got the car ready for Gav and I while we waited in the room. It was so nice to finally be headed home. My mom dropped us off and I thanked her and told her I loved her.  I had no idea that that was the last time we would ever get to see her...

Nerves and Soy

Yesterday we received the call from Loma Linda that Gavin's surgery check-in time is 6:00 a.m.  That was good news because the earlier, the better.  Gav usually wakes up to eat somewhere between 5:30 and 6:00, so if we just keep him up really late tomorrow night, he might not have such a rough morning.  I know I'll have a rough morning regardless, because I have been overwhelmed with emotions about the surgery.  I feel anxious, nervous, sad, and glad all at the same time.  Whenever I think about it, I cry.  Thank goodness we have such wonderful, supportive family and friends who will be there for us through this experience.

I decided that I wanted to get Gavin's 3-month pictures done before his surgery, so I scheduled an appointment at JCPenney's.  I have never used their portrait studio before (because we have a photographer in the family - check out her work by clicking here), but I have seen some of their work and it's very cute.  However, I read a review online and it made me nervous, because the reviewer said that the appointments are only 10 minutes apart, he had to wait 1-hour, the photographers were rude, and they wouldn't allow him and his wife to interact with their child in order to make their baby laugh.  Ayyy!!  If I have an experience like that I will be so upset.  I hope it goes well.  It is so important to me to have great photos of his sweet wide-smile before he gets a new smile on Monday.

On another note, I have been craving ice cream for a few days now, but still can't have dairy due to Gavin's colic.  So I finally bought some soy ice cream on Friday from Trader Joe's and yahooo!!  It's delicious.  The soy milk I have been drinking is not so great, but the ice cream and ice cream sandwiches are very tasty.  Soy is one of my new favorite things!

Pre-Op Appointment

We had Gavin's pre-op appointment with Dr. Martin today, as well as his pre-anesthesia appointment. During the pre-op, Dr. Martin explained that the surgery will take about 3 hours. Gavin will be put under using a gas mask and then the IV will be put in. That was such great news because I don't want him to be in pain.  He said that the surgery involves a lot of geometry; they have to measure everything and figure out how to repair it in the most aesthetically pleasing way.  Gavin's nose will have to be repaired during the surgery as well, since the nose generally stays flat otherwise.  He will have to wear tubes in his nose for 1-3 weeks after surgery, but the longer the better.  They only remove them at 1 week if there is irritation.  They will use removable sutures to repair his lip.  His alveolar ridge (gum area) will be repaired as well.  It seems like we misunderstood the information about the gum repair we were given earlier.  It will still need to be repaired, but then the bone will generally fuse together after the gum is repaired.  He said in 90% of cases, no additional surgeries are needed, but in the other 10%, they decide later that what was done can be improved upon and an additional surgery is done.  He will have to wear arm restraints for about 2-3 weeks after surgery, which can only be removed during baths.  This will be rough since Gavin always sleeps on his tummy, but he will have to sleep on his back to keep from rubbing his face on the bed.  Overall, the pre-op appointment went great.  Gav was in a good mood and, despite missing out on his usual morning nap, he was all smiles.  That's more than I can say for myself, since I cried during the meeting with the doctor!

After that, we went straight to the pre-anesthesia appointment, where they evaluate Gavin's health history and check him for anemia by doing a finger-prick blood test.  The finger-prick test was tougher on me than Gavin.  After it was done, he cried for about 30 seconds, but then he fell asleep in my arms, while I held his tiny hand and applied pressure to his little thumb like the nurse asked me to.  It's moments like that when I think, darn car seats!  Why can't we live in the days when moms could cuddle their little ones in the car rather than sticking them in the cold car seat?  LOL.  They also gave us some good news: Gavin only has to refrain from eating for 4 hours prior to surgery.  The original paperwork said no eating after midnight.  I didn't know how we were going to accomplish that since Gav wakes up around 5:30 each morning to eat and letting him cry in hunger would just break my heart!  But they said breast-fed babies can eat 4 hours prior to surgery, while formula-fed babies require 6 hours because breast milk breaks down faster.  So next Monday, on surgery day, we will wake Gav up and feed him 4 hours before his surgery time and then hope he goes back to sleep and doesn't want to eat again before we leave.

Anyway, Gav was just an angel all day.  The nurses at the pre-anesthesia appointment commented on how content he was and how nothing seemed to bother him.  He even gave them a few smiles, which they loved.  It's that sweet smile that I am going to miss so much.  I've still been trying to get more pictures of that adorable smile, but it is so hard, since he becomes mesmerized by the camera every time I whip it out and stops smiling.  But I managed to get a few good ones last night.  Here is one for you to enjoy!

Cuddling with Daddy after a long day at Loma Linda:

Plastic Surgeon Consultation

On May 19 we had our consultation with the plastic surgeon. It was a long day for Gavin, since we had to wait 2 hours to see the surgeon! We were told that Dr. Martin is very high-demand and, in addition to his regular appointments, he also takes all the trauma patients who come into the hospital. The day we saw him, he had already seen 50 other patients!

During our consultation, he explained that Gavin will probably only require one surgery, not two or three like we had originally been told. Phew! What a relief! That was so wonderful to hear. I hate the idea of having to put him through even one surgery, but it's still much better than two or three. Dr. Martin also said that in 97% of cases, the bone in the gum area will repair itself after the lip repair is done. I guess once the lip is repaired, it will pull the gums down over time. Hmmm... very interesting. I asked if he would still be able to breastfeed right after the surgery and Dr. Martin said yes. He said it may be a bit irritating on his stitches, but it should be okay. I also asked if we could both stay overnight with Gav in the hospital, but Loma Linda only allows one parent to stay overnight, just like Riverside Community Hospital where Gavin was admitted for dehydration. It's rough being without Matt overnight, but I am feeling much more confident as a mom now, so I know I can handle it.

So Gavin's surgery is scheduled for June 15, one day before his 3-month birthday. We are nervous and excited!