June 17, 2010 - One Year Later

I have to admit that I have been avoiding this post. June 17 marked one year since my mom's death. It has now been over a year since I've heard my mom's voice, hugged her, laughed with her, and heard her words of advice and encouragement. Since she has been gone, my life is so much different. A month-and-a-half after her death, I had to return to work. At that point, I began to suppress my emotions in order to make it through each day. Being home with Gavin, I was able to cry while he napped, and when he was awake, he would remind me of all I have to be thankful for and the pain would ease a bit. That all changed when I returned to the real world. I found that I didn't have time to cry. I was busy. I had work to do. I had to wake up early. I didn't have time for tears and the headache that followed. So, each time the pain would begin to come on, I would quickly think of something else to distract myself. And so it has been from that point on...

That's why I knew I had to do this post--but I wasn't sure that I could. I know I have so much to be thankful for. Gavin is the most wonderful son and makes life so amazing. But losing my mom has been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. She truly was my best friend. I told her everything and I really mean that. There were times when she would laugh and say, "Okay, that's too much information!" (Now, there was a limit on what I'd tell her, but you get the point.) You know, there are things that you can share with a mom that you just can't share with anyone else and geez how I miss that! I hold things in sometimes and I think that has made me a grumpier person than I used to be and I hate that.

My mom was my role model and I believe that she gave me confidence in myself. She made me believe that I could do anything. I felt so secure when she was alive, especially when she was with me. And now, I feel that I have reverted into a timid little girl who lacks confidence. I had planned on getting my Master's degree, but I am terrified of doing it now. My mom used to read all of my essays and even if she just said, "It's great! Don't change a thing!", it still made me feel better just knowing that she had read it. I know she would want me to be self-assured and continue my education, but I truly am scared. I can almost hear her voice now, "Oh silly girl! You'll be fine! You can do it, you need to give yourself more credit."

She made such a difference in people's lives. She was an amazing woman and someone I aspired to be like. I know I've said before that she was the smartest person I ever knew, and I still believe that. Anytime I asked her a question, she always knew the answer and if she didn't, she would look it up. As a kid, I would ask her medical questions ("Mommy, my left toe hurts when I do this...") and she would whip out her medical encyclopedias and tell me precisely what she thought it was. I have those medical encyclopedias now and I hope to be as savvy as my mom was with them.

I just feel so lost without her. I have so many questions that I wish I could ask her about how she did things when we were kids. After being a foster parent to over 55 kids, she just knew so much about parenting. I'm scared that I'm going to do something wrong by making a simple decision that ends up going awry. Gavin is such an amazing, intelligent, funny boy and I want to be the best mom I can for him. But it breaks my heart that my mom isn't here to see him grow. I know she would have loved everything about him. She would have loved being with him more and more everyday, just like Matt and I do.

I have been looking into some grief counseling, because I'm sure it would be beneficial. I just don't know how helpful it will be. I've heard the pain eases over time, but I know I will have to deal with the pain before it can begin to lessen. Tears have been streaming down my face as I have written this, but I knew I had to do it.

I love you, Mom and I always will!!