June 17, 2010 - One Year Later

I have to admit that I have been avoiding this post. June 17 marked one year since my mom's death. It has now been over a year since I've heard my mom's voice, hugged her, laughed with her, and heard her words of advice and encouragement. Since she has been gone, my life is so much different. A month-and-a-half after her death, I had to return to work. At that point, I began to suppress my emotions in order to make it through each day. Being home with Gavin, I was able to cry while he napped, and when he was awake, he would remind me of all I have to be thankful for and the pain would ease a bit. That all changed when I returned to the real world. I found that I didn't have time to cry. I was busy. I had work to do. I had to wake up early. I didn't have time for tears and the headache that followed. So, each time the pain would begin to come on, I would quickly think of something else to distract myself. And so it has been from that point on...

That's why I knew I had to do this post--but I wasn't sure that I could. I know I have so much to be thankful for. Gavin is the most wonderful son and makes life so amazing. But losing my mom has been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. She truly was my best friend. I told her everything and I really mean that. There were times when she would laugh and say, "Okay, that's too much information!" (Now, there was a limit on what I'd tell her, but you get the point.) You know, there are things that you can share with a mom that you just can't share with anyone else and geez how I miss that! I hold things in sometimes and I think that has made me a grumpier person than I used to be and I hate that.

My mom was my role model and I believe that she gave me confidence in myself. She made me believe that I could do anything. I felt so secure when she was alive, especially when she was with me. And now, I feel that I have reverted into a timid little girl who lacks confidence. I had planned on getting my Master's degree, but I am terrified of doing it now. My mom used to read all of my essays and even if she just said, "It's great! Don't change a thing!", it still made me feel better just knowing that she had read it. I know she would want me to be self-assured and continue my education, but I truly am scared. I can almost hear her voice now, "Oh silly girl! You'll be fine! You can do it, you need to give yourself more credit."

She made such a difference in people's lives. She was an amazing woman and someone I aspired to be like. I know I've said before that she was the smartest person I ever knew, and I still believe that. Anytime I asked her a question, she always knew the answer and if she didn't, she would look it up. As a kid, I would ask her medical questions ("Mommy, my left toe hurts when I do this...") and she would whip out her medical encyclopedias and tell me precisely what she thought it was. I have those medical encyclopedias now and I hope to be as savvy as my mom was with them.

I just feel so lost without her. I have so many questions that I wish I could ask her about how she did things when we were kids. After being a foster parent to over 55 kids, she just knew so much about parenting. I'm scared that I'm going to do something wrong by making a simple decision that ends up going awry. Gavin is such an amazing, intelligent, funny boy and I want to be the best mom I can for him. But it breaks my heart that my mom isn't here to see him grow. I know she would have loved everything about him. She would have loved being with him more and more everyday, just like Matt and I do.

I have been looking into some grief counseling, because I'm sure it would be beneficial. I just don't know how helpful it will be. I've heard the pain eases over time, but I know I will have to deal with the pain before it can begin to lessen. Tears have been streaming down my face as I have written this, but I knew I had to do it.

I love you, Mom and I always will!!

15 Months Old

My sweet Gav,

You are now 15 months old and become more and more fun everyday. Daddy loves being home with you during the day and I adore being home with you at night. You have a great personality and always make us laugh. You find joy in everything you do and you make friends wherever we go. Here are some new things you are doing now:

• Since you took your first steps a month ago, you are now a full-blown walker and love to trot all over the place. I can finally get shoes on you because you know that you will get to walk when they are on.




• You know how to sign "more" and "all done" and use them often. It's the cutest thing!
• You love, love, LOVE Daddy's Chevelle and can sit in it for long periods of time and entertain yourself (especially at car shows).

• You respond to almost every question or comment we say to you with "eh?" and once we repeat it, you will repeat, "eh?" It's a vicious circle that will have us repeating the same thing until we're exhausted!
• You love playing with the little red car walker that Mamaw and Papaw got for you and will push it all over the house. (But lately, you are becoming a little dare-devil and will try to stand on the seat or sit on the handle bars!)

• You love spending time with Daddy and the two of you will often just sit and hang out together like guys do.



• You continue to develop a loving relationship with Bocephus. He has learned to sit close to your highchair during meals because you will often share your food with him. However, I sometimes wonder if he's teaching you bad habits...



• You really like the vacuum cleaner and have spent a lot of time studying it lately. And every time we vacuum, you will shake your head from left to right the whole time it's running. It's the funniest thing!



• You have always loved anything with a steering wheel. But lately, you are starting to love little toy cars as well. You discovered Daddies Chevelle HotWheel and you loved playing with it. And recently, you noticed my little squishy bus keychain and decided that it is your new cuddle buddy. You now eagerly go to sleep for naps and bedtime because you want to snuggle with your little bus. It's actually quite humorous to see you hold it close like it's a plush stuffed animal and fall asleep. You have stuffed animals in your crib, but apparently none of them are as enticing as the bus keychain.


• You haven't said your first word yet, but you are talking all the time and make tons of different vowel and consonant sounds.
• You have decided that you really only like a few foods--flour tortillas, fruit bars, and bread--and you despise anything squishy or slimy, like noodles. Therefore, you are getting a bit more challenging to feed.

You are such a happy, friendly, sweet boy and each day with you just gets better. I love you so much, Gav!!

Best in Show

Since Matt finally finished building his Chevelle a few months ago, we have been attending a number of car shows. Every time we go, Gavin insists on being in the driver's seat so he can furiously turn the wheel. This really gets a lot of attention. Most recently, we entered the Redlands Optimist Car Show and Gavin spent a majority of the day pretending to drive. With a beautiful car and an adorable boy in the front seat, I don't know how we didn't walk away with a prize. Gavin definitely deserved best in show, but somehow the judges must have overlooked that. Geesh.

It seemed like everyone who walked by wanted to stop and admire Gavin. Matt just loves the fact that his little boy enjoys taking part in his hobby, too. It is just the cutest thing. And of course, I had to snap a few pictures!

What is my sweet boy doing???

Grandpa's '64 Chevelle

Our '68 Chevelle

That's What Little Boys Are Made Of...

Gavin is constantly finding things on the floor that he likes to pick up and give to us. Usually it's lint or a piece of dog hair or some other miniscule item. Well, Thursday, I was laying next to my sweet boy on the carpet when he crawled over to explore a little gap next to the television. He then crawled back to my side with his tiny hand full of some new treasure. I was about to hold my hand out to receive the gift when he (thankfully!) plopped it on the floor instead. I let out a screech and scooped Gavin up quickly. It was a giant dead cockroach! Yuck!! I swept it up in the dustpan and disposed of it immediately, all the while thanking my lucky stars that he didn't drop it in my hand, because I think I would have fainted.

Gavin's First Vacation

Prior to pregnancy, Matt and I were big river-people. We would go to the river several times a month during the summer and we always had a blast. Here we are with our first boat back in 2002:

Ahhh, yes, those were the days when we didn't have as many responsibilities, as many bills, and as many worries. Going to the river was a chance to just relax and enjoy time with friends out in the sun and the water. Of course, the boys usually used it as a chance to see who's boat was the fastest and who could drink the most beers.

Well, times have changed. Once I became pregnant with Gavin, I only went to the river once and I just laid on the sand like a beached whale in my conservative one-piece bathing suit. Wearing a one-piece was a big deal, since I was the self-proclaimed bikini queen before pregnancy. I probably own as many bikinis as most girls own panties. We also no longer own a boat and of course, our next boat will have to be much more family-friendly than our previous two jet boats. Here was our second boat shortly before we sold it (not exactly the type you'd want to have a toddler in):

Since Gavin has been born, Matt has gone on one guys river trip and I haven't gone on any trips at all. So, we decided to bring Gavin for the first time over Memorial weekend (which also happened to be my 28th birthday on May 28th - woo hoo!). Naturally, the trip provided plenty of photo-ops.

Gavin did great overall. Our friends, who brought their 2-year-old and 3-year-old along, invited us to ride in their large Placecraft boat, which is much safer for kids. Gavin wasn't too sure about the wind or the water in his face, and he definitely wasn't fond of the life jacket, so during the ride, I would cover him with a towel and he would fall asleep.

Gav enjoyed watching his Daddy waterski (something Mommy definitely will not do because she's a big CHICKEN!). But one of his favorite things to do was "drive" the boat, of course.

Gavin was not too keen on the mud and didn't like sitting in it at all. He would curl his little legs up when I tried to set him down in it like I was trying to drop him in quicksand or something.

He really enjoyed playing with Rylee (age 3) and Talen (almost 2), and especially liked riding on Talen's mini-quad since he could drive it on his own. It was the cutest thing!

By day two, all three kids were pretty tired from a busy previous day, and the two boys fell asleep shortly after first boat ride.

Gavin enjoyed people-watching with his Daddy. But, he was not too happy with Matt and I when we put him in the water for the first time. Although, once he got used to the temperature, he became pretty relaxed.

The hum of the boat motor put him sleep nearly every time.

Gavin wanted to "drive" every boat at the river! He loves anything with a motor and a steering wheel, just like his Daddy.

The most eventful moment occurred on the final day out on the water, while I was riding in the boat with Gavin asleep on my lap. Talen was asleep in his grandma Debbie's lap next to us and his grandpa, Wayne, was driving the boat. The others were riding in another boat and Matt was getting the trailer back at camp. We were idling near the launch ramp when an odor filled the air that smelled like something burning. Suddenly, Wayne lost all power to the boat and realized that the motor must be on fire. He tried to open the hatch to check the motor, but because we had lost power, he couldn't. I don't think Debbie and I have ever moved so fast. We scooped up the boys and flew to the front of the boat while Wayne flagged down another boat for help. We made it back to camp safely, but boy, was that a scary moment! It turns out the one of the folding chairs that was stored in the hatch fell on the motor and had begun to catch fire, thus, shorting out the power. Of course I didn't snap any photos during that time, but I did get one of Talen helping his Daddy fix the problem back at camp.

Once we were safely back at the trailer, the kids played around camp while the adults barbecued dinner. Now, most women know that having a baby does at least slightly alter your body. Even though I was able to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight, my shape has changed a bit and I guess I would say I am just a little squisher than I was before. That being said, some friends of friends had their charming little boy, maybe about 10 years old, running around our camp that evening. He was screaming in the faces of the little ones and smacking them with the large foam water noodles. I don't often find children that annoy me, but this little guy was definitely testing my patience. Then, he says to me, "Are you pregnant? 'Cuz you look like it." Niiiiccceee. What a lovely child. I know I'm not in the same shape as I used to be, but I certainly didn't think anyone would mistake me as pregnant. Geesh.

On a happier note, I leave you with one last shot of my sweet boy during that last night. He was "mowing" the dirt in front of the trailer. Such a good helper!

Video: First Steps

Video: Using a Fork